What do IPods, warm weather, and the smell of the fresh Lake Michigan Water all have in common? Well, since you’ve read the title, you’re probably either guessing jogging or sharp objects. I would have guessed jogging, too, if I had just moved here. After all, in Chicago, Marathons are often advertised on buses, sidewalks, and billboards, while running teams are assembled at work, with challenges such as, ‘Hustle up the Hancock,’ to promote health and motivation. But, it is my third Summer in Chicago, yes, another year, another season, and, just that time of year for another kind of race. The Boobathon.
Once upon a time, in a less hip place, intelligent manufacturers developed innovative pieces of wardrobe, complete with elastic, thick straps, and, according to Wikipedia, some even had water pads and air bags. This innovative technology, designed for strenuous sports activities to firmly support the breasts became so popular; it was also given secondary goals such as, preventing perspiration. In addition, it was given its own terminology. Jogbra. But, you may have heard it referred to as Sports Bra. This sports bra became so popular that several were modified and branded for different body types, to not only accommodate every shape and size, but to take into consideration that breasts sometimes like to move in every direction, and, no two boobs are alike. Gone are the days where women must complain of achy backs, or, of one boob significantly saggier than the other. In fact, now, there are sports bras designed for Yoga, running, biking. And did you know that these sports bras can also prevent damage to your ligaments too?
Now, fast forward to a more recent time in a considerably hipper place. The Lakeshore, Chicago. The Boobathon has given birth to a whole new breed of women. These women work diligently to expand the materials of their skin, creating stretch marks at earlier stages in their lives, and, while one could argue that the whole point of working out is to firm the body up, these women like to contradict the sports bra’s function. Modern day feminists? Perhaps. But, it may also be worth noting that if one woman were single, and men were her prey, then the lakeshore is her jungle. Or, I don’t know, I don’t have large breasts. Some of the women from last year’s Boobathon complained that their chest was simply too large and could not be contained in ‘a piece of cloth.’
If you are comfortable with your breasts bouncing back and forth, up and down, east to west, in your face, in every one else’s face, and, if you are comfortable with your breasts blocking the jogging path, or everyone else’s path, then the Boobathon is for you. There are no membership fees to join. Just a willingness to either, A) not wear a sports bra when jogging on the lakeshore path, B) wear a sports bra that you grew out of ten years ago, or C) Never ever measure your breasts again, and just assume that you are still seventeen years old, with a svelte figure and perky stride. Oh, and you must also be willing to wear an even tinier, tighter t-shirt that will demonstrate your strength and drive. Past winners of the Boobathon have poked her competitor’s eyes out, and have won countless dinners with men who like to have conversations with their chest. Good luck and see you on the lakeshore!
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